Sharing Emotional Labor in a Relationship

After many years of partnership, it is common for people to rely on their romantic partners for all their emotional support. This is such a common phenomenon, it has its own term - “Emotional Gold Digger”. As the connotation of the term suggests, Emotional Gold Digging is not always a healthy dynamic to a romantic relationship. It’s great that you can share all your grievances, traumas, fears, and frustrations with your romantic partner. That level of intimacy, trust, and vulnerability in a relationship is invaluable. However, the trouble is when that person is the only person you have for emotional support. In monogamous heterosexual relationships, this tendency was found more in men than women; however, this is not a gender specific occurrence. The term is also specifically for romantic relationships, but this relationship dynamic can occur in friendships too! To stop Emotional Gold Digging from draining your relationship (or friendship), there are a few steps you can take.

First, make sure any vulnerability you practice is at the right time and the right place. That means, if you and your partner just recently got into an argument about the dishes again, it may not be the best time to share a deep seated fear you have about spiders. Or if you know your friend had a very tough day at work, right at the end of the work day is not when you want to talk about your frustrations with your parents.

Second, build emotional safety with others around you. Again, it’s great that your partner (or friend) is your emotional supporter no matter what. But being able to share your emotional world with more than one person can alleviate some of the pressure your partner can feel from having to shoulder that all by themselves. And don’t worry, building that sort of emotional relationship with others doesn’t mean you’re taking away from your primary relationship (of course, unless you start straying into emotional infidelity). This just means, instead of venting to your partner about your boss for the upteenth time, maybe you can phone a different friend this time around.

Third, demonstrate genuine appreciation to your partner or friend for their emotional support. Acknowledge that they have a very important role in your life, and recognize that it must be difficult for them at times to share your emotional burdens. This little extra bit of gratitude can show them that you don’t feel entitled to their hardwork, but rather appreciate their investment and support.

Emotional Gold Digging is an easy trap for people to fall into, especially for those of us who have spent years investing and building a relationship. Thankfully, it’s not irreversible or irreparable. If that’s a relationship dynamic that you notice in your own relationship, work with your partner to expand your emotional safety net in a way that honors you, your partner, and your relationship.

If you are experiencing emotional gold digging in your relationship, and want to figure out ways to equitably share emotional labor, please contact us to schedule a free consultation.