How to Have Conversations about Race in Your Multicultural Interracial Relationship
There’s a lot of conversations happening right now in our society around race. But how can we have those conversations with those who are closest to us? We know it’s always harder when a conversation about an emotional topic is with a loved one. All we have to do is imagine the difference between having a conversation about difference in politics with a stranger on the internet vs with your parent sitting around the dinner table.
When it comes to conversations about race, racial injustice, and experiences influenced by your race, those can be very vulnerable and intimate conversations for any of us. So how can you have healthy conversations about race in your multicultural interracial relationship with your partner who may not understand your experience?
Keep in Mind Your Conversation Partner
Remember that this is your partner. The one that you are in a committed relationship with, the one you are choosing to share your experiences and your world with. The words you say can always have an impact, whoever the recipient is. But when the other person is your intimate partner, the words you say can wound especially deep, or have incredibly healing effects. So throughout the conversation, remember that this is not a random stranger, but rather the person that you choose to share all of your parts with, even the vulnerable, difficult, and challenging ones.
Beware of the Warning Signs
It’s natural to become emotionally escalated in a conversation about vulnerable topics. Even more so when we’re talking about a topic as integrally and intricately tied to our identities as our race. Be mindful of any of your own personal warning signs that you are being driven by an Unhealthy Part rather than a Kind/Healthy Part during this conversation. Maybe for you, it’s an elevated heart rate, feeling flushed, racing thoughts, or thoughts/words that are attacking your partner as a person. If you find that’s happening, kindly acknowledge that you need to focus on soothing yourself and managing your emotions. If you do need to step away, give your partner a time frame, so they are not waiting indefinitely to resume a conversation that they are also emotionally invested in.
Seek to Understand and To Be Understood
No one will know your thoughts and feelings as well as you do. Even your partner will get things wrong sometimes when they are trying to understand you. You might think that you are very clearly communicating that you want pizza for dinner, and your partner might feel equally convinced that you’re saying you want burgers for dinner. Know that communication breakdowns can happen, even with the healthiest of couples, and especially more so with emotionally charged conversations. Keeping that in mind, focus on understanding your partner, and take the time to confirm that you are being received as you intend by your partner. You can do this by checking in with one another, confirming that what you understand is indeed what they meant to communicate.
Be Mindful of Different Social Locations that You Each Occupy
If you are in a multicultural interracial relationship, it might be a reality that you and your partner occupy different social locations. A social location can be defined by multitude of factors, including gender, race, socioeconomic status, religion, sexual orientation, and even where you are from. All of those factors combine to create a unique social experience for every individual. The chances are, even if you are not in a multicultural interracial relationship, you and your partner experience different social locations - it’s just more likely that the difference is heightened in a multiracial interracial relationship. That means, when attempting to have conversations around race with your partner, be mindful that you cannot know what it’s like to live life in their social location, and vice versa. Be compassionate to that fact. If you are someone who naturally experiences a lot of privilege in society, and your partner does not, be thoughtful of how you can perpetuate (or fight against) societally occurring power dynamics in the context of your relationship. If you naturally take up a lot of space with your social location and your partner does not, be mindful of sharing that space, or don’t be afraid to ask for that space if you don’t naturally experience that space in society. Maybe it’s healthy for you to adopt the posture of learning, while your partner focuses on educating. Every couple will have a different dynamic, so what is healthy for you might not be healthy for another couple. The important thing is to find that healthy respect of one another’s experiences with their social location.
Conversations about race and racism in our society can be very emotionally challenging and difficult. However, it can also help deepen the connection, attachment, and safety you share with your partner. If you would like support in exploring these topics in your relationship, please contact us for a phone consultation.
Writer’s note - this article is written with the assumption of a dyadic monogamous relationship for ease, however the concepts can be applied to non-monogamous relationships.